Image by Jed Dunker

The nuns taught me never to lie. Of course, the nuns also taught me not to do anything I’d need to lie about. Though I’ve entered adulthood with conflicting sensibilities, I’ve generally found it best to be forthcoming about things. I figure that way, no matter how scandalous aspects of my life might appear to the world’s easily appalled, I always have the “but at least I’m honest” defense.

This is the genius of both Scientology and AA (and Catholic confession, for that matter). They’re free passes for publicly admitting poor past behavior, a real-life “Get Out of Jail Free” for the well connected. You’d think more public figures would take advantage of this. Your-president-and-mine G.W. Bush has done very well for himself since ‘fessing up, but more than a few (Mark Foley, anyone?) hoped their scandals would remain in the boudoir.

If preemptive atonement isn’t your thing, then the hurt of the fall depends on the height of the ladder. Like Ted Kennedy, get your peccadilloes out of the way early and put your dreams to bed while you’re young, so you still have time to enjoy your life. Unless you’re French—racist, surrendering, cheese-eaters they may be, but at least they understand human needs.

Famous Politician Indiscretions

George W. Bush
President of the United States of America
DUI arrest in 1976, plus widespread rumors of cocaine and marijuana use. Deflects later questions about his behavior by claiming he stopped drinking on his 40th birthday.
RESULT: Hail to the Thief.

Laura Bush
First Lady of the United States
Kills ex-boyfriend in traffic accident days after 17th birthday. Rumored to deal pot in college. Marries smokescreen.
RESULT: Stepford Wife-in-Chief.

Dick Cheney
Vice President of the United States of America
Arrested twice for DUI in the 1960s. Begins political career before social conservatives turn America into nanny state. Never needs to answer hard questions.
RESULT: After “a couple beers” shoots friend and fellow hunter; reporters ask no hard questions.

Strom Thurmond
Late U.S. Senator (R–S.C.)
Segregationist candidate for president, fathers daughter with African-descended maid. Mixed-race couplings then illegal under South Carolina law.
RESULT: Serves nearly 48 years in U.S. Senate.

Ted Kennedy
U.S. Senator (D–Mass.)
Tragically learns Oldsmobiles can’t fly off bridges, kills “campaign worker” Mary Jo Kopechne. Presidential hopes sink like Delmont 88.
RESULT: Rosacea-faced champion of women, workers and the poor.