Image by Jed Dunkerly

I reached the pinnacle of my political life when I was elected president of my senior class. It’s tough when you peak at 17. I made the most of it, though—shortly after the election, I “cast my first ballot,” as it were, and with an older girl no less.

Maybe those two elections were coincidental, but it’s no secret that sex and politics are locked in carnal embrace. I laughed knowingly through Clinton’s cigar-gate and smiled slyly when certain Beltway circles panicked over the possibility of a D.C. call girl client list going public. C’mon, America! You expect your politicians to check their libidos at the Capitol’s metal detector door? Really?

Because without the sexual opportunities it opens up, why on earth would anyone seek political office?

If you’re a barbarian, the risks of leadership are obvious and omnipresent. You’re continually defending your position against all comers, and people are probably trying to kill you. So why do you want to be a leader? Plain and simple—so you can have more sex. With leadership comes the right to breed. Genghis can have as many wives as he wants. The Inca chief can have 10,000 concubines. That’s the deal.

There’s a basic tradeoff that’s been made even at a biochemical level. Females incur the biologically heavy costs of childbearing, while males specialize in beating each other up for the right to father those children. Grossly oversimplified, males seek quantity of mating opportunities and females seek quality. Political power is a proxy for genetic quality, so men want it and women want the men who get it.

There’s a countervailing force at work—the democratization of sex. Democracy itself couldn’t work unless every male had at least a reasonable chance to, er, “participate in the election.” Otherwise all the men would still be fighting and societies would look more like they did a few thousand years ago. Monogamy is one tool by which Europe overcame tribalism. Think on that the next time you rip the Pope for all those “issues” you had as a young adult.

I’ve only been elected president just the once, but thankfully I’ve cast many, many ballots. Guess evolution really is good for something. In truth though, if there was a chance for me to win 10,000 concubines by fighting my way to the top … well, let’s just say I’d roll that chance up and smoke it.

For more Matski, check out brunoandtheprofessor.com. For archived The World According To Matski, visit rivetmagazine.org.